What I do/don't want from Comedy

I find that I do this little thing called Comedy and enjoy the standing up in front of a strange crowd, telling jokes about my past awkwardness and misadventures, while at the same time edge quietly towards being edgy as a host, but I've got the feeling my public persona doesn't fit a profile that either hits the mainstream hard or swims in the obscurity of cult status.

So, to explain my motives, here are my ambitions and avoidances of Comedy:

• DO: want to eventually be performing in front of big crowds. I feel at home with a lot of people warmed up to the idea of a stock comedian making them laugh.
• DON'T: want to continue into my 70's performing in front of tiny open-mic crowds.
• DO: want to work with talented people I gel with, to brainstorm awesome ideas and create a semblance of community that serves the general public in many forms of entertainment.
• DON'T: want to work with guys looking for a quick jump-start to short-term fame.
• DO: want to develop television or radio schemes with others and be part of a creative group with resources to turn it around in a short space of time. I've already written a few, need to start pitching it to a talented guy I've recently met.
• DON'T: want to agree to flimsy promises that never take fruit thanks to ignorance.
• DO: want to write for a magazine, newspaper or website that accepts my unexplored views on everything from life, love to laundry.
• DON'T: want to be limited only to this blog.
• DO: want to make the people I love proud, to show that their support for my abilities aren't unfounded and that they can share in the fruits of my efforts in hichever way they wish.
• DON'T: want to be told I'll never make something of myself because I'm white, single, foreign or never attained a degree/diploma (that one was based on funds).
• DO: want to "stand before kings, and leave a name to be remembered." - Benjamin Franklin
• DON'T: want to be forgotten.

On a dark and stormy night... (a writing exercise)

In most occasions, I tend to try and write specifically about a subject, but on this occasion I don't have one...yet, as I just described to my sister-in-law, I do enjoy using the first line, "On a dark and stormy night..." to meander off into subsequent variations of the theme before reaching the point, in order to jump-start the creative process.

And here's the result.

On a dark and stormy night...

...well, a slightly dark and stormy night, really. In July in the southern hemisphere. And but slightly, I really mean sort-of dusky with a small chance of drizzle.

And when I mean by stormy, really some drizzle with the possibility that your eyes will seem accustomed to the African sun after a few months of the blanket of clouds hanging overcast like a comfort pillow thrown over by an over-protective mother that still loves you despite yelling you a few hours before for leaving your bike out in the yard.

And when I mean drizzle at dusk, I really mean an occasional smattering of one or two droplets descending upon the earth like a few Spartans entering a battle...without their mates, resulting in totally defeat by the Persian horde, that sort of smattering.

And dusk is such a relative term. I would say about 9am, the sun easily penetrating the window like a geriatric peeping Tom with a pace-maker that ticks away like the timepiece in the crocodile that ate Captain Hook's hand from Peter Pan, the old badger ruffling through the plants trying to find a good view up your nose as your bed faces feet first towards the window.

So anyway, on a slightly morning-ish time of the day with a slight smattering of droplets...I discovered you can get Jews on a train far more easily if you charged them half.

The End.

Comedy is not jazz background music for your conversation.

So tonight I had the joy of opening up Comics@Work at the Armchair Theatre in Observatory, and a small table began to talk amongst themselves.

Which is fine for any Tom, Dick and Harry comedian, as it portrays a lack of enthusiasm for the comedian and the show itself on most occasion, and it is up to the performer to entertain the crowd to a point where everyone's attention is suddenly transfixed at the silliness, the punch lines, the charisma.

But knuckleheadedness reared it's fat, ugly, greasy sonofabitch head tonight with this table.

What began as simply each comedian getting slightly distracted by this group of fascist actor/jobless knowitalls turned into an all-out conversation throughout the entire show, with compere Christopher Steenkamp having to request their silence at the interval for the second-half, only to be met half-heatedly with a biligerent "no", like the man himself held the crown jewels of England between his legs and his own ass was made from gold and reeked of nutmeg.

After the show, a stand-off occurred where said compere (balls to the max) confronted them once more and a shouting match occur, whereupon said Crown Jewels man gave a comment I will never forget:

"Hey, freedom of speech, k?"

As a comedian pointed out so thoughtfully tonight, they basically sat there talking about their amazing yet fruitless and wasted lives with the comedy as jazz music background. Thank you, actors, thank you so much for belittling the spoken word craft that you cannot succeed in yourselves. You'll be seeing at least some of us in magazines touting our comedy shows and DVD's long before you get to be extras in porn films as pot-plants.

Comics@Work

Love Star Trek much?

There are few subjects I can usually relate to people about. Sports are as functional to me as sex, I just don't know the people performing in both. Even an ex-girlfriend successfully stood me up when I tried to open up the fuel-tank for a van I hired to move home.

But Star Trek...hold onto your ridges, Mister Worf.

A comedian I joyously got to meet last night was held accountable for his days playing on the PC videogame Star Trek Online, and I saw how he backed up like he was apologising for indulging in the practise, that it diminished his deserving cool factor.

I say to thee, new friend...never be ashamed.

All of us on this planet fly through this life so quickly, so fleetingly, and I bet you ten bucks that the majority don't really place enough passion into something they love. Yes, there's music, movies, other people, politics, endangerments to things they care about like the environment, social inequalities...

And for a select few, creative fiction of unimportance to the grand scheme of things that bring joy to the few that know nothing else.

But for me, I look towards the future of the human race, and Star Trek has always been the definitive representation of how we as a species can evolve into something more, devoid of aspects that divide us like territory, currency, violence and prejudice. As a television series though, it was the ultimate situational experiment set in the vacuum of space, placing the human condition in all its forms in a futuristic setting that explored facets we tend to overlook in ourselves in this modern agenda.

Furthermore...who wouldn't want to captain a starship, with warp drive and phasers?

And, finally empowered with social commentary that places me into a pigeon-hole that I am fully capable of decorating with fictional innuendo and passion in my voice remarked, "There's nothing quite like seeing your ship that you've set up YOURSELF floating with fantastic speed through the stars. And I'm proud to proclaim myself commander of the best starship a young, stupid Trekkie can ever have, the USS Fantastic."

At least one comedian laughed. :)

JohnnyCranko.com
IAmComic.co.za

 

Going Offline: Day 54 - Going Online

I know, I know, ironic huh? Nelson harped on for ages about his addiction to Facebook and wanted to get off it as it was so time-consuming and affected his relationship with other people, his performance in work, and wrote a few short blog-posts bleeding his heart to the wide world of human beings about his fragile ego needing a rest from a virtual fashion show of people's lives.

And then he's back on it.

Well, if you haven't seen by now, I'm in South Africa spending time with la familia, my dad having been ill for so long and me wanting to be around him before time runs out. But since 2 weeks ago, this I can see will impact greatly on my career in the videogames industry, fragile and precarious as it once was before.

And now, I need Facebook...to contact people.

For all my good intentions of shooting the proverbial shit with my dad and the rest of his brood, no one needs a producer in little ol' Cape Town, and I found that out the hard way after 2 months of being strung along by someone. It's time to step up, get off my bum-bum, rewrite my Curriculum Vitae and become a full-fledged rat-race chaser, doing whatever odds and ends necessary to pay for petroleum for a run-down ve-HIC-le that will take me places for work purposes AND for comedic endeavours.

In terms of Facebook, that means being exposed to people again, promoting comedy shows and varying my repertoire, talking to long-lost "pals" and convincing them that I'm a gorgeous good-looking, charming little piece of ass-et that you can't do without.

AND THEN I'll be offline, keeping my head down.

So, you can call me a hypocrite for being weak-minded...OR you can stand-up and say, "Nelson...there's a guy that needs a handyman, I'll send him your number."

Yes, yes you can do that.

But for now, feel free to listen a little to my set at the Chilli Bar Comedy Show happening Thursdays in Soutfield. Go on, do it.

Cape Town Blog - Waking up to a brand-new world

And a wonderful to you all from a finally overcast Cape Town, South Africa. 

From my little room I share in my brother's wonderful house in the suburbs, I woke up dazed and confused early this morning to find two things that perplexes even the most astute of single gentlemen that walk the earth as directionless as I am:

1. A phone call from my sister demonstrating a cheap car on Gumtree called a Ford Lazer (yes, I write this wishing I could show my fingers making the Dr. evil signature move)

2. A black cat called Peanut licking itself in area devoid of appropriate testicular contents.

It's been a surreal week and a half getting to know my family once again, regaling them with wonderful anecdotes of stories from the colonial master land that is the United Kingdom, and wishing them health and love as best I can without sounding TOO droll. As yet, I have not had the chance to meet up with old friends due to a distinct lack of transport (public utilities usually consists of a man driving a van with a monkey-wrench for a steering wheel) but when I do, I hope it will be fun and interesting.

And yes, hun, I'm still waiting for you to answer.

Monday night saw me perform my first set for over a year at a lovely little bar in Rondebosch, expecting droves of UCT students eager to giggle their sides, and to be fair the 10 guys staring at me gave me the challenge I wanted most: a chance to test my mettle as a all-round entertainer.

And true to their word, they tested me.

Still, it was nice to walk off stage and blokes coming up afterwards saying, "China, you was ace, eh?" followed by a handshake and a shoulder-bump, a clear sign of me being accepted into the audience acumen of approval.

Ever been shoulder-bumped? It's like an audience Jay Leno nodding and saying you'll go far.

So today I'll be setting up a portfolio of shots thanks to a wonderful photographer I know, looking for menial work, openings up the money-grubbing bank account and reading up on the day's stories for new and exciting material, to mold and shape it into wonderful jokes that will leave them thinking that their lives can be for the better if they look past the errors of yesteryear and just accept that inside, we...are all...pink.

Cape Town, bring it on.

See me Thursday night at the Chilli Bar in Southfield where I'll be sweating it yet again.

I don't have a Title, you can call me "Sir"

I see a fresh new yellow-brick wall in front of me, a stark contrast of the life I’ve been living for many years now. I wrote in pieces of paper, “Beginning”, “Development” and “Conclusion” and I’ve stuck them to this very same wall, hoping that the words may empower me in some bizarre Ancient Egyptian incantation that encompasses my entire being.

I’m talking bullshit, this is my brother’s room in his house and the only thing encompassing me is a hug from my mother tomorrow.

I’ve laid out the photographs of all the important people in my life in front of me, my parents and nephews/niece, I’ve laid the iPad next to me like it’s going to spring out a great idea that only digital media gurus can conjure. A glass of mediocre red lays half-drunk and my tongue feels like its berry goodness has already stained it with the shame of self-defeat.

My breath stinks of smoke. It must be from all the rolled cigarettes I’ve forced myself to ingest. Poor me.

The soundtrack to “Scott Pilgrim vs the World” is playing through tinny speakers on the desk which, too, shares the space for my affections. You know what, I have tried and successfully “attempted” to write something creative, a bleak outline of my only year in CityVarsity, a city college I attended back in 1999 in Cape Town, which really opened my eyes to progressive society that lay beyond the walls of suburbia and all the racism I swam through.

I also found out that my dad is extremely funny and quick-witted, and I’m so glad I’ve spent time with him. He is a genuinely warm and funny man, and my mom is the same person that throws up jibes that, had you been in her company were you down in the dumps, could’ve encouraged you to jump in the lake for her lack of empathy but yet her warm embrace which melted many a chill.

Yes, people, I’m back with my family…and by golly gosh, I’m loving it so far.

Now, can that person please call me back so I can work, earn money, get a car and do f***cking comedy?!!!!!

Gee oh gee oh wow, was last night awkward

It is an alternative 1994, and Nelson is sitting in the school recruiter's office, looking over his application.

"So Nelson, in school you're going to learn Geography, Mathematics, Science, History, Art, Biology, Woodwork and Accounting.

"You will ensure that your homework is completed on time every day to the best of your ability and punctual, else you will fail. The cost of your failure? A point lost on your score, and our respect for you will drop to the point of you becoming someone else's problem later in life before you wile your existence away using drink and drugs which, again, will not be our problem. Any questions?"

Nelson looks around the room. "Hi, yes, Nelson here, a human being, tiny bit shy on how to interact with people. Sometime in the future I may stand in front of a young crowd and make jokes, but may be perceived to be insincerely racist. How do I cope with that?"

The recruiter gives Nelson a incredulous stare. "That....will be someone else's problem."

"Ah."

Marc Maron - WTF Podcast

Marc Maron, an American comic spanning over a decade or more, has been hosting a podcast interviewing entertainers now for a few years and has been quietly gaining popularity for his insightful and personable interviewing skills, getting some great acts like Chris Rock, Norm McDonald and Donald Glover into the "garage" for simply a good chat. You can catch his show weekly over at his website, WTFPod , via iTunes or even through his mobile/smartphone apps.

"*slurp* Pow! That's justcoffee.coop!"

New Material - Wisecracks Comedy Night

So I admit, I don't blog a lot, but as I'm a particularly private person, there's not a lot I can say (although preparing for all the people that care). Nevertheless, new material tried last night at Wisecracks Comedy for your entertainment.
Unedited, unashamed...and hopefully bookable :P

Crack Comedy - Halloween Weekend Set

If you'd like to listen to my latest set (which has some previous jokes but with new improvisation) that I recorded at Crack Comedy in Southbank during the Halloween weekend, you can press play above and have a listen.

London Ambulance Service's Battle of the Bands Competition

Related to me?

As a comic, one of our initial tasks as performers is to connect to you guys, the audience, to share both emotions and relative ideas and in this first piece of material I’d like to share with you my love for… breathing.

Yes we all need to breathe. Presumably all animals alike, the fish in the sea, the amoeba growing in the primordial soup, all of us require oxygen to live.

And yes, we all love to breathe. It’s so taken for granted considering that love doesn’t always factor into the equation, we all have to breathe or else we perspire, we fall and our life-force will leave our corporial shells to float away in some inter-dimensional existence, if those robe-wearing monks in Tibet are to be believed. But in my head, I do enjoy the art of intaking a lung-full of oxygen and exhaling explosive carbon dioxide into the clear and present atmosphere, that same atmosphere that provides all life on earth with the ozone (I still cringe at the fact that mathematically I have or will breathe in a remnant of Hitler’s farts).

I even love the moments when I hestitate, the times when I need to hold my breath in anticipation of that big reveal that eventually comes, or the shock that you get when you realize that what you were hoping…actually happens.

Like that last episode of Friends when Ross listens to the message Rachel left on the answering machine when she’s trying to leave the plane, “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, ok? I need to tell someone I love them!”

The stewardess says, “Miss, I can’t let you off the plane.”

And Ross screams at his machine, “Let her off the plane!”

Rachel responds, “Oh please miss, you don’t understand!”

And when the message cuts off, Ross leaps to his feet, yells at the top of his voice, “No! No! Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?”

And at that moment, you wait, hoping that with the power of your own mind you change the outcome so positively that nothing else matters. Eventually then, you hear this little voice, stage right, that fulfills that wish, and that line is:

“I got off the plane.”

So, who likes farting?

Barry Hilton - Serial Comic UK Shows

Hello peeps, for all those who do trawl the net and fall upon this unknown gem of a blog, my favourite comedian of all time is coming over to the UK for two shows, fresh from an Oz/Kiwi tour, and you should not miss out. Details below...

Tickets from http://www.satickets.co.uk/buy-tickets/details/32-barry-hilton-serial-comic

Barry Hilton LIVE in London and Bournemouth as part of his "Serial Comic" UK and World Tour 2011.

Come and join "The Cousin" for some Recession Depression Therapy for one night only at the Clapham Grand and in Bournemouth at the Marriott Bournemouth Highcliff Hotel.

Doors open 7pm and show starts around 8pm. (show times vary) Tickets £20 each and numbers limited as he will only have one show in London and one in Bournemouth.

www.barryhilton.co.za
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=146284608787498
 

Laughing Horse Camden presents...JEFF LEACH! £5

Laughing Horse Camden is proud to present our next show at the Crown & Goose, featuring:

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Jeff Leach - “Jeff is a young lad with a penchant for making people laugh, prone to bouts of open and brash exploration of his twisted little private life. After two years in the world of television presenting shows such as BBC Switch, T in the Park Festival, Comic Relief, Virgin Music On Demand and Big Brother’s Big Mouth, Jeff is focusing some time and energy on his first love… live comedy.

“Very Funny” – londonisfunny.com
“Truly entertaining, highly recommended” – Time Out
“Funny, charismatic, he’s gonna be big” – Jack Whitehall
“A very genial and playful comic, put the room at ease” – Isy Suttie
“You are a nitwit” – Russell Brand

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Anna Freyberg - "...with plenty of warmth to her presence and admirable lines in the writing. " - Chortle

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Damian Kingsley - started performing in Tokyo in 2006 at open mic nights in ex-pat comedy clubs and was soon doing paid sets and compering at Tokyo Comedy Store. In August 2007 he returned to the UK to work on the London comedy circuit.

After doing various open mic gigs, he has been booked for paid spots at The Bearcat, The Kings Head, The Stand, Bedford Corn Exchange, The Therapy Room, Lonestar Comedy, Bromley Comedy Club, Tenerife Comedy Club, Mirth Control, various university and smaller gigs and regular open spots at established venues including London Comedy Store, The Highlight, Fym Fyg Bar, Jongleurs, Komedia and Banana Cabaret.

***************
Plus these other amazing acts:

Stu Turner
William Pointing
Josiah Norris
Benjamin Howard
Adam Rushton
Peter Phillipson

With resident hosts and cheeky compére's Mark Cornell and Nelson de Gouveia - "fantastically funny" - LoveFringe.com.

ALL FOR A CHEEKY £5 (a Fiver, a Favour, a Forever Yours)

An open spot is available at this venue each week for any act wanting to come along and give stand-up a try for the first time.

Laughing Horse also runs the annual 'Free Edinburgh Fringe Festival' (http://www.freefestival.co.uk/), plus venues at the Brighton Fringe (http://www.brightonfringefest.co.uk/), a booking agency and comedy courses (www.aboutcomedy.co.uk)

Can't come tonight but want to know more about upcoming events and other clubs? Join the newly-created group and show your support for this small but determined show happening EVERY Wednesday at the Crown & Goose.

Facebook Group: http://tinyurl.com/y8nsvo2
Crown & Goose: www.crownandgoose.co.uk

The Laughing Horse is one of London’s most established comedy clubs, bringing comedy to venues across London and the UK for 10 years. With an intimate and friendly atmosphere, and a mixture of top professional acts, newer acts, regular comperes and everything in between..

BBC's Funny in 15 Seconds

Edinburgh 2011 - Warming up at a Fringe show

Free Cuddles with 0017 - Preview Video

Edinburgh - Upcoming shows through August

I'm perpetually excited about taking part in the bootcamp that is Edinburgh, and just for laughs I've put together details of the shows I'm taking part in (see the dates in my Gig list to the right):

Laughing Horse Camden presents...Phil Kay & Richard Rycroft! This Weds! £5

Laughing Horse Camden is proud to present our sixth showcase of Edinburgh Previews!:

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Phil Kay: Free Hash!

Hash - keep using the stuff you already have. The fabulously direct meandering hilarity bent mind of Phil Kay doing basically outrageously detailed phil-osophic stand-up story musings as bloody funny and like way too madly extra-long and plus well over-extravagantly embellished introductions to real songs like: F**k Mad Men, Moonroof, Venezuelan Girls, Giggle Earth, Goodminton and Penultimatum.

To be at one of Phil's shows and expect stand-up would be a big mistake Éanything can happen and invariably does! Never is this more true than when performing on his home turf. Glasgow beware! Or, at the very least, bring hard hats.

Phil's comedy is a unique blend of energy, improvisation and leaps of imagination that take his audience on a joyride they'll never forget. Even Phil has no idea what might happen when he unleashes his crazy brand of improvised comedy mayhem. He possesses the rare gift of creating a space where audiences feel like they are kids again, all taking part in a practical joke.

Phil launched his stand-up comedy career with a bang in 1989, quickly garnering a host of awards, nominations and glowing reviews. Since then, the plaudits have never stopped as he conquered first the live stage and then television, with appearances on such shows as Phil Kay Feels, (Ch 4), Next Stop Phil Kay (Ch 4), Edinburgh Nights (BBC1), Montreal Festival of Fun (Ch 5) and plenty more besides.

www.philkay.co.uk

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Richard Rycroft: The Song's I'll Never Sing

Somewhere between stand-up and story-telling, a nice man reflects on turning 50. From the death of Elvis and the birth of Punk, to the importance of singing your own songs. Always.

"Comedy sunshine" - (Three Weeks, Edinburgh)
“A solid act who... will do well smouldering gently in the smaller clubs” (Corry Shaw, Chortle)
“Clever wordplay and knowing malapropisms get the laughs, even if the gags are sometimes smarter than he gets credit for” (Steve Bennett, Chortle)
“Clean but funny” (Surrey Herald)
“A superb performance and a nicely crafted set” - (Stuart Morrison, The Gag Factory, Guildford)
“Loved this guy…. He is SO welcome back.” - (Midlands Comedy Forum)

www.hahaheehee.co.uk/comedians/richard-rycroft.html
www.twitter.com/richardrycroft

ALL FOR A CHEEKY £5 (a Fiver, a Favour, a Forever Yours)

Laughing Horse also runs the annual 'Free Edinburgh Fringe Festival' (http://www.freefestival.co.uk/), plus venues at the Brighton Fringe (http://www.brightonfringefest.co.uk/), a booking agency and comedy courses (www.aboutcomedy.co.uk)

Can't come tonight but want to know more about upcoming events and other clubs? Join the newly-created group and show your support for this small but determined show happening EVERY Wednesday at the Crown & Goose.

Facebook Group: http://tinyurl.com/y8nsvo2
Crown & Goose: www.crownandgoose.co.uk

The Laughing Horse is one of London’s most established comedy clubs, bringing comedy to venues across London and the UK for 10 years. With an intimate and friendly atmosphere, and a mixture of top professional acts, newer acts, regular comperes and everything in between..