I don't have a Title, you can call me "Sir"

I see a fresh new yellow-brick wall in front of me, a stark contrast of the life I’ve been living for many years now. I wrote in pieces of paper, “Beginning”, “Development” and “Conclusion” and I’ve stuck them to this very same wall, hoping that the words may empower me in some bizarre Ancient Egyptian incantation that encompasses my entire being.

I’m talking bullshit, this is my brother’s room in his house and the only thing encompassing me is a hug from my mother tomorrow.

I’ve laid out the photographs of all the important people in my life in front of me, my parents and nephews/niece, I’ve laid the iPad next to me like it’s going to spring out a great idea that only digital media gurus can conjure. A glass of mediocre red lays half-drunk and my tongue feels like its berry goodness has already stained it with the shame of self-defeat.

My breath stinks of smoke. It must be from all the rolled cigarettes I’ve forced myself to ingest. Poor me.

The soundtrack to “Scott Pilgrim vs the World” is playing through tinny speakers on the desk which, too, shares the space for my affections. You know what, I have tried and successfully “attempted” to write something creative, a bleak outline of my only year in CityVarsity, a city college I attended back in 1999 in Cape Town, which really opened my eyes to progressive society that lay beyond the walls of suburbia and all the racism I swam through.

I also found out that my dad is extremely funny and quick-witted, and I’m so glad I’ve spent time with him. He is a genuinely warm and funny man, and my mom is the same person that throws up jibes that, had you been in her company were you down in the dumps, could’ve encouraged you to jump in the lake for her lack of empathy but yet her warm embrace which melted many a chill.

Yes, people, I’m back with my family…and by golly gosh, I’m loving it so far.

Now, can that person please call me back so I can work, earn money, get a car and do f***cking comedy?!!!!!

Going Offline - Day 26: Sorry I forgot your birthday...

Remember the days when you knew the birthdays of your closest relatives and friends based solely on your relationship and proximity with them?

Like, your actual relatives and friends, not Facebook followers?

For years I spent wishing people "Merry Christmas" on friends' Facebook walls as a constant parody of the blasé attitude people have towards the constant childhood need to be recognised as the lucky sperm that made it, thankfully not wiped away with a tissue or swallowed, which put me in a position not to offend anybody by relying on the social networks to remember those incredible moments in OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES.

But I still do remember before we even had portable telephones in our pockets the important ones, the days we truly wished each other well on the day we realise we survived another year on this planet.

My mom's, for example, I remember constantly growing up as she received phonecalls from people in the community, which to me was akin to a personal status update. Or my very very FIRST girlfriend's just cos from age 8 to 12 I really liked her, to the lady that broke my heart as it soon before her 21st we got together.

I remember THOSE birthdays, but for the life of me I can't recall anybody else's, even my nephews (sorry boys and girl, I'm coming back to rectify that).

So today is both my sister-in-law's and my housemate's birthday, which I remember from last year where I quipped about it over the kitchen table and he went, "Oh yeah?" and returned to his conversation with a hot girl on Facebook chat, but as per usual I'd forgotten a card.

Or should I leave a card for a male housemate to a male housemate? Is that really appropriate to actually go out into a shop and pick up a birthday card for a male? Not a best friend, but a man sharing my house with me, that is a friend and a comedy colleague.

To me, I would say I'd have the same relationship as if I sent him a text message with an "x" at the end of it, and thankfully that is not what I do.

Nor would I do it...for he shall look at me like I've been painting "I love ####" all over my chalkboard with the door closed while listening to Celine Dion.

Celine specifically cos they're both Canadian.

No, his day will be spent getting lurid messages from friends and colleagues and I'll probably just come home with a few beers.

So, Merry Christmas from me. :P

Here's today's weird recommendations:

• @ryan_cull and @CelesteDG whose birthdays are today
• CuteCats just because my workmate asked me to spread the love

Discovering a forgotten email...

Like Nazi gold, an undiscovered Da Vinci or a £5 note in your pocket, I get the same elation out of coming across an email I had either a. forgotten or b. totally missed out, or even c. discovering the details of a previous email account you hardly used, only to find dozens if not hundreds of messages from former acquaintences long forgotten trying to reach you.

Just the other day, I was clearing out my Facebook messages from people trying to reach me (yeah, cos I is so popular, psh) but it's true, I was, honest, truth be told.

And what do you know? There's a "other" section I had never noticed.

This small treasure trove contained a dozen or so little tiny pleas for attention from people I hardly remembered or forgotten about, some I hardly know or others that aren't even on my Facebook friends list. It was quite sweet to even find someone famous emailing me in November about hooking up, and the feeling in my gut to hastely reply to let them know I'm pretty much alive, well and eager to meet for cake and ideas.

That makes me feel geniunely guilty of being obsessive with attention myself. I do enjoy communicating with others, but the thought of a small, tiny little message lost in the ether of the digital world waiting for me to find it, like lost treasure or a message in a bottle floating towards me from an island far, far away, inhabited by a lonely and pathetic man with a big beard (with exception, a Turkish woman with a beard), excites me somehow. I get put into action, having to respond as quickly as possible, writing a little note of acknowledgement that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK, I AM SORRY I DIDN'T RESPOND BEFORE BUT NOW HERE I AM, WE CAN CHAT, TALK TO ME, DON'T GIVE UP!!

So have a gander, people, check your "other" section under Messages (just click on the Message line and it will appear below it), you might find some gold you didn't realise you had. :)