Tinder Decoder 2.0: Does she want to date you or destroy you completely?

I read a lovely piece on W24 entitled "Tinder Decoder: Does he want to date you or just sleep with you?", a wonderful example of literature lifted entirely from a Grade 10 student's essay book, the kind that sits forever under that dusty DVD copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" after you've watched it with your ex-boyfriend.

I enjoyed it, and the first line caught my eye so:

"Okay, let's face it, the majority of Tinder users are on the app for one reason and one reason only - to get laid!"

And yes, the little man brandishing his gnarled stick at the sun inside me began to cry havoc and stomp his feet, as I reacted angrily to how double-sided this article was. It's all just the men, she says, it's just them that do it, she says, men on Tinder want to fuck women and that's all they're there for. Meanwhile, the soft-padded little man inside waited patiently before reminding me:

"She's right, and you know it. But the other side of the cake has the same frosting."

So, in the interests of fair play, I've come up with a similar list of common traits I've found women to have on Tinder:
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VIDEO - #ThatsFunny at the All Star Theatre, Brackenfell, November 2014

Nelson's Personal Top Ten Commandments Slash Resolutions of 2015

In my vain quest to better myself, I wrote the "Nelson's Personal Top Ten Commandments Slash Resolutions of 2015", which I'm printing out and framing somewhere so it looks all cool and stuff:

1. Thou shalt be funnier
2. Thou shalt allow thyself more time for creativity
3. Thou shalt NOT be sequestered into banal activities that succumb thee to procrastination like "videogames" or "let's go visit my mother"
4. Thou shalt write some more, including another script. The wise sage Luc Besson wrote "Leon" in 2 weeks and that turned out fucking awesome.
5. Thou shalt return to a major inner-city comedy club to perform and make the proletariat laugh and giggle at new and fancy shit.
6. Thou shalt live in a palatial home with a marble...kitchen counter, and a functioning toaster.
7. Thou shalt NOT use said toaster, as thou hast denied thyself ALL carbs.
8. Thou shalt stay focused and driven...and by driven, meaning thou shall have sold thy motor-veHEEcle and opt for walking to thy abode of employment
9. Thou shalt continue to love those near thee, and remember to call at least one person a week for a chat and a debate.
10. Thou shalt love thyself...and remember that thou were the fastest swimmer out of a couple of trillion others that didn't make it.

Happy New Year for 2015, everybody.

HashtagThatsFunny - Comedy Photos from Saturday's Show

Post by HashtagThatsFunny.

Scriptwriting - Finding inspiration and finding something funnier...

A lot of people denote that comments are being troll-heaven for, well, trolls. The freedom to drop a comment under every article written conscientiously has usually turned into awful fights featuring anonymous geniuses chugging a beer or getting a spelling check from their beaten-up wife while she's washing the dishes, crying.

I've been trying hell on high water to find ways of being inspired to write, and came across this lovely little gem for inspiration:
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Say what I mean...and mean it.

The two most terrifying things that could happen to me today are: a. getting arrested in Australia and b. a tweet from someone famous.
— Nelson de Gouveia (@nelsonscomedy) August 14, 2014

"You're really brave to say the things you say." And Bill smiled.

I read that and was amazed at that observation. Bill Hick's autobiography, American Scream, opened my eyes up a little. Has that been my failing all along, that I've not been talking about what's really inside me?

I've noticed the greats are doing that; Bill Hicks talked about his passion for an America he hated, "I'm gonna overthrow the government and replace it with a democracy.". Richard Pryor was open about his failings, "Nothing like setting yourself on fire to make you realise you're in deep shit." Louis CK, in paying tribute to George Carlin and what he learnt about being a writer, "I have to dig deeper everytime I throw away old shit to find something new to talk about."
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Saying Goodbye to Robin Williams...wish I had said hello first.

So, Robin Williams has passed away from an apparent suicide.

And we're all sitting around on our phones, our computers and our tablets on our couches, by our desks, in the car while the mom's driving you to school, or you're experiencing a near-fading experience listening to your CEO droning on about the four C's that'll drive productivity forward, as we read the how's and the why's about Robin Williams.

And Robin Williams, the human being that brought us the best version of alien you could get in Mork and Mindy, an unforgettable Genie in Alladin, the uplifting voice of reason in Good Morning Vietnam, the aspiring teach in Dead Poets Society, the deadbeat in The Fisher King, or even the creepy guy in One Hour Photo, amongst all the numerous standup routines and countless other characters per minute he portrayed, is today and for all time not breathing.
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I wake up to Louis CK...and I'm not ashamed of it.

For years, the sound I've used to play on my phone to wake up me up every morning has usually been the standard tones Apple adds preinstalled for the iPhones they've created...from the wistful yet semi-annoying "Bells", to the utterly annoying and relationship-destroying "Radar" that, on many an occasion, an elbow has connected with my ribcage by an irate girlfriend who has already tolerated a few hours of my awful snoring.

But then I discovered the ability to load Louis CK's "Shameless" as an MP3 onto my phone to listen to, and that's become my new wake-up call. Hearing the familiar white-noise HBO introduction, followed by a pattering of conversation before the announcer clears his throat and begins the performance with the familiar, "Ladies and gentlemen...Louis CK," to thunderous applause.

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Becoming a Script-Writer

One day, in my short little life, I'd like the idea of someone saying, "Hey Nelson, I loved your script. Can I buy it from you?" or "Hey Nelson, can I produce your script for you?"

Throughout my career, I've heard of this wonderful little world where people hunched over type-writers or computers make an OK living out of ideas fleshed out in a step-by-step script that people will enjoy and, while I've dreamed of turning these ideas into reality, the truth of the matter is I don't have the time, patience or love of many friends to convert these into plausible videos or radio shows.

So I'm making them available to you for free. Here it is, there they are. Feel free to browse, read and be amused by them. Steal them, go ahead. I'll be proud to just have a credit and enjoy my work out there for people to see. Paul Arden encouraged people to give away their ideas in his book, "It's Not How Good You Are, It's How Good You Want To Be.", my motivational Bible and I'm following suit.

And if you want to buy the rights and make it the way you see fit, my contact details are right up there, go ahead and get a hold of me.

And this disclaimer, by the way, was encouraged by my comedy hero, Louis C.K.

You can find them over at my Scripts page by clicking the link, or follow the menu options above above, and I'll let you know via Twitter when new ones are available.

Hiding

Yes, I've been hiding.

I had a change in my circumstances so fundamental, I've just been both languishing and basking in its gloriousness for too long. I'm swimming in its rapture, I'm bathing in its golden light, and I haven't had the strength to kick just to break the surface and breathe in.
And it's been my excuse for a while now.

I'm 33 years old; it means nothing to most of you, some of you or ev en the ones that classify yourselves as "all of us", since really we're not all of the same age all at once. But I had given it up, just plopped on the couch and went, "Eh."

My dad did that and look, there he is staring at Portuguese television waiting to die.
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Remember Me?

I don't blog. I don't. A lot.

I do not so in the vain attempt that I look at my blog, stare at the screen for a few minutes, then realise I'm 4 hours into my work day and I haven't done a thing.

Today, I'm well aware I'm not done with my work, but I visited my blog and 15 people joined in to read.

Well, bully for me. Thank you.


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Armchair Sundays Comedy Show - Comedians' Photos

Post by Armchair Sundays.

The little things...

Ok, I'll let you in on a little secret...

...I let the SMALLEST little bloody thing get to me.

Whether it be the move someone makes in their car that annoys me by a fraction of a millimetre, the ignorance of another's venomous speech where they proclaim in a terribly loud voice, "HOW DO YOU NOT LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER??" or someone I've never met before in my entire life adds me the one day on Twitter, and unfollows me the next.

I'm tracking who has unfollowed me. I'm a reverse f***ing stalker!
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9 things I do when I live alone

Just discovered Lili Radloff's "9 things you learn when you live alone", a wonderful list of little things you do when you're alone in your abode. I like it, it's a wonderful piece featuring things she does which we relate to, etcetera, blah blah blah.

But my 9 things are a little different:

1. You tend to walk in after a long day at work, sit down in front of your desk, and realise...you have no internet. So you eat yoghurt and stare at the wall.
2. You switch off the geyser during the day because there's no one there...and forget to switch it on in the morning after being awake for an hour watching your favourite TV show you enjoy to forget why you're even there.
3. Your meals, that you make while naked, are increasingly simple and quick to make.
4. You forget to sleep on your own bed, with the couch increasingly convenient in front of the TV.
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Please Like Me - Comedians should date more.

Comedy is like dating.

At first, it's awkward, then a little familiar, but if you don't keep a close eye on it, it can tell you to move out and warn you never to try and contact it via its mother.

And like the incongruent facade of everyday courting, comedy is very match a game of cat-mouse-promoter. Can you impress a crowd of people immediately, can you keep the crowd interested, can you give them your number and they'll call you back three days later asking when the next gig  is? 

Uggh. Bluggh.

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Star Trek and the devalue of money

They had some amazing adventures on the television series, Star Trek.

From battling alien menaces to witnessing supernovas, transforming into weird creatures at the cellular level and inadvertently giving precedent to the Civil Rights Movement by famously being the first television show in history to demonstrate how a man kisses a woman.

I know, I missed out the fact it was a white man kissing a black woman, but from personal experience it’s so good I had to make a point of it with its very own line break.
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Laugh Actually - A Quite Rude Production

A four comedian affair starring one of the greatest sentiments of our age: Love. Join Christopher Steenkamp, Ryan Carelse, Nelson De Gouveia and Zanne Solomons as they tackle romance, relationships and all the challenges that come with it.

Check out more at comedyonair.com, and for tickets available at webtickets.

Sailing means you have to ride the waves...

...and, for some incomprehensible reason that fails me even to this day, we as human metamorphosise our expectations of achieving emotional bliss by creating the same duality, envisioning our meager and short little existences as ships sailing into the horizon, sometimes calm and sometimes stormy.

But from what I've read, most ships had scurvy...and seamen.

And this blog suffers from the stormy times. I tend to write positively when things are going my way, but in reality it's more when I think clearer about...stuff.
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Savvy Granny - How my mom knows more than I do

While I was away in London, my mother grew up.

 She’s a 71 year-old Margaret Thatcher matriarch of the Portuguese community within Cape Town’s Northern Suburbs, with fellow residents from as far afield as Paarl travelling down to get their age-old sequin dresses hemmed and stitched by her soft and wrinkled yet experienced hands. She doesn’t quite skateboard down steep hills or listen to thrash metal locked away in her bedroom but, like a teenager squabbling to her parents for the next Nokia, she seeks out new experiences with youthful aplomb.
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Movie Trailer Watch - July edition

Wow, two blog posts in one day. Peculiar, no?

Anyway, so I've been thinking about which movies to look forward to in the new year or next, and thinking that I'd like for people to get to know me more, I thought that not only do I forward through recommendations of trailers I like, but also what I think of them.

So...tada.

Colin Farrell takes over the remake reins from Arnie in what should be August's most talked-about science fiction reworking since Metropolis director Fritz Lang thought, "Wow, wouldn't a typewriter look cool in gold with boobs?"

After the mind-warping process instigated by a TMZ-inspired John Cho in awful but futuristic peroxide hair, Douglas Quaid is bestowed with lightning reflexes and quick-trigger tenacities while being assisted convolutedly by Jessica Biel driving a floating car, keeping the setting in line with all of Phillip K. Dick's endless supplies of short stories.

The fact that Kate Beckinsale fills Sharon Stone's role as the semi-demon wife wishing ill-will on his person makes the whole two-minute affair avoiding yet another episode of How I Met Your Mother on my family's television extremely appealing and gives the "share this on Facebook" factor extremely high.

Craigslist Joe rides the Morgan Spurlock wave with a new, possibly bland, protagonist (albeit a guy that seems like he's condoms with all three girlfriends in his life, at least) as he tries to pinpoint how social media broke down America's sense of community by living completely off Craigslist, evil competitor to antipodean powerhouse Gumtree, for one month.

And by living off, I mean have no contact with friends or family, travelling through America asking for room and board in exchange for potential users seeking favours of any kind. In one scene, <insert cute voice> our hero <close cute voice> helps a middle-aged woman addicted to hoarding various goods with organising her hapless little junk empire, so that he may have a piece of bread and a floor to sleep on.

I can't help but feel jealous from this ultra-scary but über-cool attempt (ok, it's not that scary if he had a camera crew following him everywhere) at travelling hassle-free of job-searching and paying tax, while establishing the fundamental flaw of America's sociological make-up through the beginning of the 21st Century. One brief positive note: he loses a lot of weight along the way.

Cue Hollywood sabbatical diet treatment?

There are few men in this that can do what they like and actually can claim, with absolute sincerity, that they bring joy to the world, with everyone else agreeing with those people AND without fear of violent reprisal. That excludes President al-Assad of Syria (in fact, all presidents), Lord Sebastian Coe of the London Olympics, the South African Consulat representative in London that was an absolute bastard towards me, and a Somalian child soldier.

Who is included is Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane, and for that sir, I thank you...graciously, for sending us Ted, his first motion picture that nearly almost avoided animation whatsoever if it didn't include an animated teddy bear that humps a supermarket scan machine to impress a pretty girl.

Alongside Mark Wahlberg, sporting incredible magical powers as a little boy that wills his plush toy into existence, Ted grows up fuelled by an overactive sex-drive and a penchant for bong-smoking afternoons on the couch. But like any dirty-talking best friend, he gets ousted from the shared apartment by Mark's needy girlfriend Mila Kunis, voice of the ever-denied, ever-hated and totally diatribed Meg Griffin.

I want to see this wonderful movie made by the world's luckiest man (he missed boarding one of the 9/11 planes while en-route to pitch Family Guy to Fox) and, being stuck here in South Africa, I can't wait for it to reach our boxed-in shores.