OLD RANT - When cleverer people get the upper hand

In my previous job, I got embarrassed by a work colleague over my use of the English language while I was trying to explain my assistance with a problem the whole company was having.

Right there, I just felt like a kid again.

In my defense, I suffer from the same type of stigma that most do: when you're in the company of people you place your trust in, in most occasions you fall back on the most comfortable form of speech that is only understood by those who work close to you. This is relevantly a form of trust you impose on the other, and in most occasions when you're being asked to be clearer, it's only that their brain isn't switched on either and they'd like to continue on with the conversation, whereupon you acknowledge it and rev the engine up to get to the destination.

But in that very moment where this person had cleverly nitpicked at my flaw and exposed it to others who laughed at my embarrassment, I felt so small and useless that my instant reaction was to hold my hands up and walk away.
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Applying Business Practices to Stand-Up Comedy

When approaching projects in my employment, I put forth a variety of business practices that ensure I manage them on time and to budget within cost agreed to with clients and get them the product they require. But when it comes to stand-up comedy, I'm as guilty as anybody of treating it like any other hobby; whenever I get to it.

As it turns out, professional stand-ups have to treat their work like any other work: just like a business.

So, without further ado, here's the top ten practices I've learnt in business that I, as an aspiring stand-up comic, would apply:

1. It's all in the Planning
2. What are you doing today?
3. Research & Development
4. Dress for Success
5. Show up on Time
6. Create a Contact List
7. Networking, Networking, Networking
8. Marketing is Your Friend
9. Content is King
10. Learn to Fail

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VIDEO - #ThatsFunny at the All Star Theatre, Brackenfell, November 2014

Say what I mean...and mean it.

The two most terrifying things that could happen to me today are: a. getting arrested in Australia and b. a tweet from someone famous.
— Nelson de Gouveia (@nelsonscomedy) August 14, 2014

"You're really brave to say the things you say." And Bill smiled.

I read that and was amazed at that observation. Bill Hick's autobiography, American Scream, opened my eyes up a little. Has that been my failing all along, that I've not been talking about what's really inside me?

I've noticed the greats are doing that; Bill Hicks talked about his passion for an America he hated, "I'm gonna overthrow the government and replace it with a democracy.". Richard Pryor was open about his failings, "Nothing like setting yourself on fire to make you realise you're in deep shit." Louis CK, in paying tribute to George Carlin and what he learnt about being a writer, "I have to dig deeper everytime I throw away old shit to find something new to talk about."
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Saying Goodbye to Robin Williams...wish I had said hello first.

So, Robin Williams has passed away from an apparent suicide.

And we're all sitting around on our phones, our computers and our tablets on our couches, by our desks, in the car while the mom's driving you to school, or you're experiencing a near-fading experience listening to your CEO droning on about the four C's that'll drive productivity forward, as we read the how's and the why's about Robin Williams.

And Robin Williams, the human being that brought us the best version of alien you could get in Mork and Mindy, an unforgettable Genie in Alladin, the uplifting voice of reason in Good Morning Vietnam, the aspiring teach in Dead Poets Society, the deadbeat in The Fisher King, or even the creepy guy in One Hour Photo, amongst all the numerous standup routines and countless other characters per minute he portrayed, is today and for all time not breathing.
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Why I'm a Full-time Comedian...in my spare time.

You get off stage, having pummeled the crowd with joke after joke that kills, that murders, that slays. Backstage, you wipe your brow as the other acts pat your back and praise you for that quick turn when the heckler almost threw you off-course from the journey of self-exploration you were taking the audience through.

This is your job, this is what you live for.

And that's the vision I see most comedians that have pursued our line of work full-time experience many evenings as a full-time comedian.

Back at the farm, while the young comics emerging into the crowd open-mic circuit trying their luck to impress not just the crowd but the promoter in the hope they get a chance to return, some hardened comedians stand aside and watch as people below them begin to flower, while others above them live the life they dream, and I'm one of those.

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To all my ex-girlfriends...(SERIOUS POST)

So, I know this will be perceived as a very narcissistic or self-effacing post, but as I struggle to understand my own hurtful behaviour, I feel I need to be brave and write it in public, not just for you, the person I wiggled my willy at, but to the public.

All this website really is, is a façade hiding a human being that doesn't know how to be with other people. I do comedy to break that barrier and promote not just the humour within me, but the exploration of a human spirit moulded into a consumer, a sponge, someone who takes and never gives back. And each day, I hate myself for doing that.

And today, I saw something specific by one ex-girlfriend that pained me, but a selfish pain, and I realised it's the same with every ex-girlfriend whose company I've had the privilege to enjoy, and I just feel that they deserve an apology.

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9 things I do when I live alone

Just discovered Lili Radloff's "9 things you learn when you live alone", a wonderful list of little things you do when you're alone in your abode. I like it, it's a wonderful piece featuring things she does which we relate to, etcetera, blah blah blah.

But my 9 things are a little different:

1. You tend to walk in after a long day at work, sit down in front of your desk, and realise...you have no internet. So you eat yoghurt and stare at the wall.
2. You switch off the geyser during the day because there's no one there...and forget to switch it on in the morning after being awake for an hour watching your favourite TV show you enjoy to forget why you're even there.
3. Your meals, that you make while naked, are increasingly simple and quick to make.
4. You forget to sleep on your own bed, with the couch increasingly convenient in front of the TV.
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REVIEW: "So...You Think You Can Love?" - Sonia Esgueira

"A Portuguese man, to the people of South Africa, is like a grizzly bear: hairy, growls and eats fish." - Nelson de Gouveia

Yes, that quote up there is mine, I'm a comedian and I'm Portuguese. I'm also a man living in a woman's world, if Sonia Esguiera's new one-woman play, "So...You Think You Can Love" is anything to go by. And it's hard to write this review objectively with my own credentials as they are, but thankfully there's no negative aspects to find in this one-hour circus; she's worked hard and the results are, well..."she's a good" as my father would say.

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What does my Dad dream?

As I hear the dragon-esque screams from the aeroplane flying above the home of my two terribly incongruent but tremendously loving parents, lying on my mom's bed as she's recovering in hospital from nose surgery and my father in the next room tucked away in his own slumber, I feel a moment of sheer terror as I begin to imagine these dark and twisted thoughts that would be running through his mind as he lays there…a man haunted by death.
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Please Like Me - Comedians should date more.

Comedy is like dating.

At first, it's awkward, then a little familiar, but if you don't keep a close eye on it, it can tell you to move out and warn you never to try and contact it via its mother.

And like the incongruent facade of everyday courting, comedy is very match a game of cat-mouse-promoter. Can you impress a crowd of people immediately, can you keep the crowd interested, can you give them your number and they'll call you back three days later asking when the next gig  is? 

Uggh. Bluggh.

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Star Trek and the devalue of money

They had some amazing adventures on the television series, Star Trek.

From battling alien menaces to witnessing supernovas, transforming into weird creatures at the cellular level and inadvertently giving precedent to the Civil Rights Movement by famously being the first television show in history to demonstrate how a man kisses a woman.

I know, I missed out the fact it was a white man kissing a black woman, but from personal experience it’s so good I had to make a point of it with its very own line break.
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Post Holiday Blues - What I'm thinking when I'm at home eating chicken

When your birthday’s in the middle of the year, like mine, you tend to see every milestone as a bout of renewal. 6 months down the line from the anniversary of your birth, you share in the same period of coming together with family and friends that everyone mills around on, like flies on a cake.

A rather LARGE cake.

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